I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
