Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
