You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
