I can text with my tongue
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
