After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
