She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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