Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
