I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
