we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
