I hate your face
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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