i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
