we have pet lesbian snakes
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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