Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I can't turn off my feet"
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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