Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
