Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
