Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
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