dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Randomize
