She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I have fence marks all over my body
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
