You're so nebulous sometimes
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
