Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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