just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
