i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I will be naked everywhere
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
