the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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