believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
