haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
