Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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