why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Randomize
