I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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