I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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