I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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