I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
