I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
