Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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