just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
