Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
