Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
