Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
farters have to be the big spoon...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
