She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
