sarcasm needs its own font
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
