Don't make out with my wife yet
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
