So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
