dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
there is glitter all over my balls
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