those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
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you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
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Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
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