Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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