So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
