Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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