call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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