Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
