"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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