he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
