Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
