she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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