Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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