Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
MIDGETS
????
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
