I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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