I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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