I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
