So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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